Where Are You?

I carry you with me everywhere I go.

From the moment the morning sun rises above the horizon to the moment the moon and stars light up the night and every second beyond that. I carry you with me. Even in my dreams.

But, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder if you always carry me with you. If you can hear me, see me, feel me, remember me.

There are so many unknowns in life but the biggest one that crosses my mind these days is the wonder of what heaven is like. What it’s really like, through your eyes.

I wonder if you know how much we miss you and how much we physically hurt without you here.

I wonder if you see our bad days and tears or hear our angry thoughts and cries when our minds takes us back to the minute you were taken from us.

I wonder if you remember the moment we first met.

I wonder if you remember us telling you how much we loved you and how sorry we were that this happened to you.

I wonder if you were afraid and wondering where Daddy and I were and why we couldn’t take this away from you.

I wonder if, when you saw the face of Jesus, it brought peace and calm to your heart and soul.

I wonder if He promised you that you could always see us, hear us, feel us, remember us.

There have been days where I have prayed and prayed and prayed until I’m blue in the face for God to help you send me a sign. Some sort of symbol or feeling that lets me know and reassures me that you can see me, hear me, feel me, remember me. And I’ll be honest… I get incredibly discouraged when I receive nothing in return. Not a butterfly, not a song, not your name, not anything that represents you to me. When I pour my heart and soul out into a prayer and God doesn’t answer it, I feel so disappointed in those moments.

Today was one of those days.

I stopped to visit you at your resting place. It’s just as beautiful as ever and I always find peace when I visit you there. Even though to me, that’s not really where you are.

I sat, leaned up against your headstone and talked to you for what seemed like forever. Tears stung my eyes as I told you I couldn’t believe that it has nearly been a year since you came and went. I told you how sorry I was that this happened and how angry I felt because this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I told you that you would be SO proud of your big brother and if you could only see how much he loves you; how much he remembers you and how he brings you along on every single one of his adventures. I told you how we will NEVER stop including you and honoring your memory and your life. I told you how that made my heart so happy.

Then, I told you I felt like I hadn’t felt your presence lately. I told you I would ask God to help you send me a sign to let me know that you could hear me, see me, feel me, remember me. Through my prayer, I asked Him to send me a butterfly, a song, your name… something that reminded me specifically of you.

I sat there, at your resting place, for what seemed like hours although it was only a few minutes. I waited for those signs. I waited for a butterfly or a bird or something to come along and let me know that God was listening and that you were too.

I started to feel that sense of disappointment come over me. I was just about to get up and leave when I turned my face to the sun. Then I realized something.

God answering my prayers doesn’t have to look like Him sending a butterfly, a song, or something with your name. He answers things and does things in His own ways, in His own time. One of my dearest friends recently wrote a pack of cards dedicated to faith and giving ourselves and others the reminder to have faith in God. On one of the cards there is the saying “His timing, not mine.” I thought of this card when I turned my face toward the sunlight.

This was my sign. This was God helping you reach out to me. This was you.

I smiled as I soaked up the warm sun and felt its rays on my face and arms. To me, it felt like we were wrapped in a beautiful embrace and it just filled my heart and soul with peace and joy.

This gave me perspective and hope. On days when I feel forgotten or ignored by God, I must remind myself to look around. His beauty and His creations are all around me and I know that you can be found in so many of those things. I must remind myself to look closer and dig deeper; that you are ALWAYS there, no matter how clear or unclear it may seem.

You are the sun, the moon, the stars, the wind, the rain, the flowers, the birds, the butterflies… you are everything that is beautiful and good in this world.

I will never feel left wondering where you are and if you hear me, see me, feel me, remember me. All I have to do is turn my face to the sun and allow myself to feel that embrace… and there you are.

Published by

Holly

Hi. My name is Holly. I wear a lot of different hats in life but the most important ones are what keep me going each day. I am a wife to the most incredible husband and father. I am a mother to the two most beautiful, sweet children; one who we get to hold in our arms here on earth and one in heaven who we hold in our hearts. I am a grieving mother. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other and try my best to navigate life after the loss of our infant daughter. Each day, I try my best to figure out how to balance between grief and joy here in the present. This is my journey in words. If you have found this blog, it is my hope that by reading my words and experiences, you will be able to relate and feel supported as a grieving parent, sibling, family member or friend. My husband and I are now part of a club that we never asked to join; no one asked to join, in fact. It's an ugly club. It's a club that every parent tries to avoid at all costs. Nevertheless, this club is part of who we are and we've learned to embrace it, stand together, support and be supported as we continue to move forward each day. I am so sorry that you are part of this club, too. But in spite of it all, I am sure glad you're here. My heart is with you as we walk this road together... one day, one hour, one minute, one step at a time.

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